Tuesday, November 03, 2015

Intruder, revisited

Heather stopped dead in the doorway, mouth agape, transfixed, watching in silence as the man hovered by the bed and then bent down over its occupant—her son, Aidan, five years old, sweet, innocent; inwardly, she prayed for his safety but outwardly she remained frozen; she did nothing when the man bent still closer to Aidan, interrupting the boy’s sleep with a rank breath of death and decay that Heather choked on from a distance; she did nothing when the man stretched out one gnarled finger and laid it gently on Aidan’s cheek, nor when Aidan’s eyes shot open and desperately searched for her in the darkness, nor when Aidan’s mouth shot open to cry out; when that gnarled finger, readied and waiting, pressed down hard on Aidan’s lips to cut off his cry, the short, sharp bark that escaped was enough to mask his mother’s gasp; only then did Heather spring into action, wailing as she rocketed across the room.

About this piece

My goal here was to rewrite the short sentence narrative in Intruder as a single long sentence, in the style of Escape or Sure. I wanted to keep the suspense, and I think I succeeded, but the overall effect is quite different. I don't know if I like it.
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