Thursday, December 19, 2013

How I Feel

I feel that we were very close, for a while, that you let me in and showed me what was in your head and in your heart. That you were one of my most precious friends, and perhaps that you still are.

I feel like you've left that behind, like you don’t want to be so close to me anymore.

I don’t mean to assume or to imply this is how you feel; I recognise it may not be. I seek only to communicate how I feel, how your action—inaction—affects me. Is that selfish? Perhaps.

I feel there is little space for me in your life now, that I am relegated to the lower class of distant friends, or fonder acquaintances. I don’t write this as judgement. This is okay. But I am ever curious as to why…do you no longer need me as a friend? Is your life full enough without me, like a home in need of a good clean-out? Is the reason more sinister—did you fear I would fall for you? Or feel guilty that you would not fall for me?

There is no need for you to answer these questions. If you remember me at all, then you know I do not expect—nor want—you to explain yourself to me. Ever. I acknowledge I am asking about things that hide in a space I can no longer visit and never sought to occupy.

I wrote this to send to you. Instead, I post it here, where you can pretend it is not for you—I do not wish to trouble your mind, nor to burden you more than I already have.

I love you anyway, friend. And you can’t change this, for I do not choose who I love, only how.
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